Heartbreak and old beliefs..

Last weekend I visited a friend. Her and I have known each other for a little over a year and a half. During this time we've had some ups and downs. I've never really known where I've stood with her. Whether we were dating or not..etc. It caused some problems last June and it all blew up. All the feelings and thoughts that had been going through my head came out and not in a positive way.

We reconnected and things were going really well. It seemed like the connection was back and stronger than ever. Our communication was great and I felt like we were on a good path.

I arrived back home on Sunday evening with the feeling that things were going great. My visit was so much fun! The next few days though it felt like she pulled away. Finally on Wednesday I sent her a text expressing my feelings. Not in a mean way at all. Later in the evening I received an email from her. Her too expressing her feelings.

That's when a switch when off in my head. I read her email and in short was told that there was no spark for her on her end. She adores me and thinks I'm gorgeous inside and out..etc. She doesn't want me to hate her and still wants me to be a part of her life. Dang it hurt! At the same time though I respected her for being honest with me.

The switch that went off in my head wasn't a good one. The feelings that came up from reading her email were not because of her I've come to realize. Her email triggered old feelings and old beliefs about myself.

That night I went into self destructive mode. I went to the store, bought some alcohol and then checked into a hotel. I was going to shut out the world and knew someone would come to my house. I hadn't drank in over three years and that evening I just wanted to be numb. Numb I was.

I'm not angry at myself for drinking. I know though that it's not a healthy way to cope. Today I'm feeling a bit better and ready to move forward. I've replied to her email in a positive and sincere way and I'm going to take care of me in healthy ways.

There is a song I found that is super inspirational. I hope you all enjoy it too. "You're going to be OK" by Brian & Jenn Johnson.